If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
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My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
what’s more important?
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.