I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
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me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.