Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
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DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I put the h in mysterious.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that