[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
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Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.