My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
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Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
worst…sale…ever
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…