Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
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My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.