me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
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Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.