When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
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i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
For the orator and chef in all of us
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Yes my dude
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.