I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
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You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?