(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
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I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
What
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
this is so top tier i cant
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom