Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
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my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
A wise man once said nothing.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.