“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
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me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Life cycle of cat