I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
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Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim