88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
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The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Was it something I said?
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
The struggle is real.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet