Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
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Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this