please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
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Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Welcome
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.