A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
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Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap