Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
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I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
what鈥檚 wrong babe? you鈥檝e barely touched your charcuberie
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: 鈥k wow i put my heart on the line and you鈥檙e telling me your favorite band
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Can鈥檛 wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Things I鈥檓 leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can鈥檛 have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am ros茅 pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.