I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
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“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec