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If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.