[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
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Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding