when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
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Siri, fight Alexa.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Finally, an explanation.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.