“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
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Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?