Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
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My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
grotesque if literal: baby food
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Oh yeah that’s it
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope