I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
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FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
oh my god
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I don’t get marriage
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I can also cook 😂
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor