If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
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Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep