19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
You Might Also Like
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?