Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
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Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Weighing up my bread heating options
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?