I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
You Might Also Like
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French