teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
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Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Taking phone security to the next level.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.