So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
You Might Also Like
Succinctly put.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here