I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
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fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
The Assassin.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”