[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
You Might Also Like
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.