friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
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Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned