Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
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coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”