in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
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SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
He is just living hist best little life 😊
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband