I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
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Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
When you kidnap a writer.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
🤣
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.