Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
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Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
True
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.