Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
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me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Bill is short for Billiam
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.