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Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Watermelon Boss!
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
scenes of unspeakable carnage