January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
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they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
crazy
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes