When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
You Might Also Like
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
🤣could you imagine
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
the council will decide your fate
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.