I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
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ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
No, YOUR illiterate.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?