Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
You Might Also Like
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”