my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
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If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I like donuts.
Twitter:
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?