I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
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i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
🤣😂🤣
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.