911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
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GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
How to find Kentucky on a map
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I finally found a reason to live again.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.