You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
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Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
How your email finds me
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s