Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
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Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year