So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
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If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’